Never in a million years did I think I would ever have triplets! Our first daughter was born in 1994 and she was premature. We tried conceiving for two years with her and was just about to start Clomid when I found out I was pregnant. Finally!! We wanted a child so badly. So, when we were ready to have another baby, I thought--no problem. Well, it turned into trying and trying and tests and Clomid and more tests and everything according to the doctor was "normal". There was no medical reason why I couldn't get pregnant. So, my OB-GYN Dr. "H" (who was absolutely wonderful!) thought I should try Pergonal. Of course she told us the risks of having multiples but I thought, "yeah right, I can't even have one more baby let alone having multiples". Well, one cycle of Pergonal and bam, I was pregnant! We were so excited and really only wanted to have one more child and our family would be complete.
I had some bleeding early in the pregnancy and they did an HCG level which came out extremely high. I think all along Dr."H" suspected multiples, but said, "Oh, it could just mean a good, healthy pregnancy but we better make sure." At six weeks I had my first ultrasound and my husband came with me. I basically was in denial that there could be more than one, so I just had my mind set. We went to the office to have the ultrasound done and as I laid there waiting all I could see was the look on my doctor's face as her eyes got bigger and bigger and then looked at my husband who was about ready to pass out. Dr. "H" said, "I see 3 babies and they all have heartbeats!" The nurse with us was actually looking for another one and I just about freaked out. All I could do was cry!! I had so many emotions going on at that time and it was just a shock. To tell you the truth, I was not excited (at first). I thought, "how am I ever going to carry three babies?!" I didn't have much going for me. I already had a premature baby at 34 weeks and I am only 5'0 inches tall and not a very big person. I am an OB nurse so of course I knew all of the complications that could go wrong with the pregnancy and the risks of having very premature babies. But I thought, "well, if God wants me to have these babies, then he will take care of me and it is out of my hands." Of course selective reduction was opted to us, but that was NEVER a consideration....how could you ever choose which baby you would terminate? The odd part is that if we would have did a reduction, it would have ended up to be Kelsey since she was the bottom baby.
Basically, my pregnancy went pretty well. The biggest problem from the beginning was morning sickness! It was terrible...that is all I did was throw up. I worked at the hospital until I was 16 weeks pregnant and then went on bedrest at about 21 weeks. I had so many ultrasounds done and each time all of the babies looked great. They all had their "parts" and were very healthy with no obvious problems. We knew we were having two boys for sure and thought the bottom baby was a girl but they weren't 100% sure. Kelsey held her brothers up and was such a strong baby.
Bedrest was soooo hard! I had a 4 year-old who was very active and a husband who was on the road a lot. The ladies from our church were so wonderful and brought us in meals. Our friends, family and neighbors helped out so much. Week 26 came and it was my birthday and got the "okay" from my doctor to go to lunch with some friends. It was sooooo nice to get out and see the world. The only time I got to leave was to go to my doctor's appointments. Later that evening, I started contracting. Of course I did all the things I was supposed to do, but they wouldn't stop. So, off to the hospital we went thinking it was nothing and I would come back home.....NOT! I ended up there for 3 weeks!! My uterus was so irritable and I started to dilate and Magnesium Sulfate was my new best friend. Oh I will never forget the feeling from that medication! Whew! Our goal was to at least reach 30 weeks, but the babies had a different plan. On December 8, 1998 I delivered three healthy, beautiful babies at 29 weeks gestation and I remember the sigh of relief when I heard all three cry. I thought....things are going to be okay. If only I knew the worst was yet to come.
Kelsey (Baby A) weighed 2# 8 oz., Alec (Baby B) weighed 2# 9 oz., and Lucas (Baby C) weighed 2# 4 1/2 oz. They were small but they were actually doing very well. Alec had the most problems with breathing and was on the ventilator for quite some time. Kelsey was only on the vent for one day and Lucas just had some puffs of oxygen through his nose. Kelsey was doing the best out of all three! We were never happier.....And by the way, after the shock wore off I did eventually become very excited about having triplets!
Christmas was right around the corner and all the babies were doing fine. Our parents lived about 1 hour away and we thought if everything was stable we would enjoy Christmas with our family and try to give our 4 year-old Makayla some attention and spend some time with her. All was well, so we left on Christmas Eve for the night. I must have called the hospital 10 times to check on the babies. Everything was great. I woke up Christmas morning so thankful for my new family and called NICU to get my daily report and I knew something was wrong. The nurse who always took care of Kelsey and Lucas (who were the most stable) was now taking care of Lucas and Alec, which was odd. She gave me "report" on the boys and then said, "The doctor wants to talk to you." My heart sank! Our regular neonatologist was out of town and there was a traveling neonatologist covering for her. He got on the phone and said: "Kelsey is not doing very good and we had to put her on the ventilator. She has some type of infection." WHAT!!!!! Why didn't anyone call me?!?! I can't believe this! Here is my daughter who is stable one minute and the next she is sedated and on the vent! I was SO ANGRY! Come to find out later, she had gotten sick late Christmas Eve and this was now 9:00 a.m. Christmas morning! Then he proceeds to tell me that if we just want to call and check in later that would be fine. Yeah right, like I was not going to come to the hospital!
So, my husband and I left immediately and when we got to the hospital it was terrible. She looked awful! They had her sedated and on a vent and tubes and wires everywhere. Her stomach was all swollen and she was all puffy. What is happening....this just can't be. My babies were doing fine and now Kelsey is so sick. Here it was Christmas Day and we were watching our baby get sicker and sicker. They kept running tests on her and everytime we left the room and came back her stomach would get bigger and bigger. They finally determined that she needed surgery. Unfortunately, the hospital where we were at did not have any pediatric surgeons and the best one was 8 hours away. Kelsey was flown out to a University Hospital on the morning of December 26, 1998. We could not ride in the plane with her as there was little room so we got in our car and drove....on hardly any sleep and in a huge snowstorm. That was the longest ride of my life.
Kelsey needed surgery ASAP. The nurses there were just wonderful. They kept calling us on our cell phone to give us updates on her condition. She had Necrotizing Enterocolitis (NEC) which is a bowel disease that is common in premature babies, although it does happen to full term babies. The worst part is it is like SIDS....they don't know the cause or why it happens. Of course they have theories just like everything else, but it remains a mystery. She came through the surgery but had most of her bowel removed and she was a very very sick baby. The doctors were great and the nurses explained everything. She looked so bad....so puffy and she was sedated. They had her on an oscillating ventilator which is a high powered vent that makes her whole body shake. (I can still hear the vibrating sound of that stupid machine!) To top it all off, our neonatologist (who was now back from vacation) called us and said the boys were also on NEC precautions as they also had passed blood in their stool just as Kelsey had. Here we were 8 hours away with Kelsey, Alec and Lucas were sick and now could possibly have NEC, and our 4 year-old who was confused and with our parents. It was a nightmare!!
Days went by and not much improvement with Kelsey's health. Her kidneys had started to shut down and she still was requiring ventilation. They had her sedated with Morphine so she couldn't move. I hadn't held her or seen her open her eyes since Christmas Eve. The doctor's did an ultrasound on her brain when she first got there and she had a small hemorrage which they call a Grade 1 bleed (this usually clears up). After not much improvement they repeated this ultrasound and she now had a Grade 4 bleed which is the worst she could have had. If she did come out of this on her own she would have had little or no quality of life not to mention hardly any bowel left to thrive. Now what?!?! The doctor's gave us little hope and now we were faced with the decision to remove her from life support. This was the hardest decision of our lives and of course we weren't sure if we were doing the right thing or not. How do you ever know that??
The time had come to say good-bye to Kelsey....I will never forget that moment that I last held her while she was still alive. She hadn't opened her eyes since Christmas Eve....this was now New Year's Eve.....and I was telling her how much I loved her and kissing her sweet face and wondering if we were doing the right thing and the most wonderful, peaceful thing happened....she OPENED her eyes and looked right at me as if to say, "It's okay mommy, let me go." I felt so much more at peace with our decision at that moment and to this day I know we did the right thing. The nurses were so wonderful and caring with her. They had her dressed in a little white and pink gown with a pink bow tied in her hair. She looked like a little princess. After a long discussion with the doctor and the surgeon, the decision was made to remove the ventilator. They put my husband and I in a little room where it was private so we could be alone with our precious Kelsey. After they removed the vent, they brought her to us and she died about 10 minutes later in my arms. I can't even explain to you how empty I felt.
New Year's Eve will never be the same for us....how can we celebrate when it will always be the anniversary of our daughter's death? We left the next morning to go back home and I will never forget my husband's words. He said, "We came here with a baby and now all we are leaving here with is this purple box." It was the box that they gave us with all of Kelsey's things in it. All I wanted to do was get back home and go to the hospital to see Alec and Lucas and I thought I would feel so much better. We got to the hospital and it was terrible.....I held my boys and all I saw was Kelsey. I guess I was just trying to find comfort by holding on to them, but to this day I have realized...nobody and no other baby can replace Kelsey. So many people think that just because we have the other two boys that we should be okay. The fact is it seems harder because EVERY day I look at our boys and there is a big part missing. There should be three and not two and they will always be triplets. People ask us if they are "twins" and we try to respond by saying...."No, they are surviving triplets." Of course then we get odd looks and then have to explain, so sometimes (depending on my mood) I will just say "Yes" and leave it at that but then I feel so guilty because Kelsey is a part of them even though she is not present. It is a no-win situation.
I was finally able to write this story after a year and a half.
I still think of Kelsey every day. I don't cry as much but I still miss her with all of my heart and soul. I always will. But with God's grace (and A LOT of prayers) we have overcome many obstacles. The first year without Kelsey was so hard......Mother's Day, her birthday, Christmas, and New Year's Eve of course is the worst. Some days are very bittersweet and we still have bad days (which I call my "Kelsey moments") and even though we didn't have Kelsey for a long period of time, she touched our hearts and we love her so very much. She will ALWAYS be a part of our family and losing a child isn't something you just get over...it is with you forever and she will forever be missed by all who knew her.
PLEASE, don't ask me if I'm over it yet.
I'll never be over it.
PLEASE, don't tell me she's in a better place.
She isn't here with me.
PLEASE, don't say at least she isn't suffering.
I haven't come to terms with why she had to suffer at all.
PLEASE, don't tell me you know how I feel,
unless you have lost a child.
PLEASE, don't ask me if I feel better.
Bereavement isn't a condition that clears up.
PLEASE, don't tell me at least you had her for a little while.
When would you choose for your child to die?
PLEASE, don't tell me God never gives us more than we can bear.
PLEASE, just say you're sorry.
PLEASE, just say you remember my child, if you do.
PLEASE, just let me talk about my child.
PLEASE, mention my child's name.
PLEASE, just let me cry.
~Author Unknown
This is a painting we had done in Kelsey's memory that was donated to the NICU. It came to me in a dream that was so vivid and it was painted by a local artist in our area named Elizabeth Yelle. Thanks, Elizabeth!
Kelsey's Graphic Tag made by Cindy (Deanna R Troi@aol.com) Thank you Cindy! :)
This background kindly provided by "Triplets R Us." Thank you!
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Website Updated on October 26, 2009
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